How to Live with Terminal Cancer

 I was moving from a celebration of reaching 50 years old on this planet to just 48 hours later to receive a life altering diagnosis. That day did not come as a shock but as a confirmation from carrying a 40-year-old premonition. I was in third or 4 grade when I came home from school and told my mom that one day I was going to die of Cancer. A silence came over the room and then my mom asked me what made me say that. I’m a Cancer, born on July 6th 1969, that’s how my life will end from cancer. It was a profound moment where an early recognition of my own timeline.

Receiving this diagnosis almost 40 years later almost to the day felt like a collision between intuition and reality. It didn’t feel like a random act but the logical framework I’ve been aware of since I was a child.

The “40 year Echo”

 My childhood memory will never forget my mother’s face when I told her.  That topic has lived with me for over 40 years.  Mostly kept out of my mind.  

The Weight Of The Wait:

Over those 40 years that thought stayed in the back of my mind with it surfacing from time to time. If my life followed a logical sequence of events, then I was able to perceive decades in advance what was to come. It changed my entire outlook on my journey with awareness in mind. These ended up being a set of universal laws that apply specifically to my timeline. I had 6 previous premonitions that all came true. This is the type of stuff one cannot make up. So when the 7th came it was no big surprise to me. 

My Story Continues: 

Most people fear the entire lives, fearing the unknown. For me the unknown had already been mapped out in the 3rd grade. When My doctor spoke those words, it wasn’t a glass being shattered but the sound of a key turning inside a lock. It was the seventh confirmation.

The Logic Of It:

 Since I look for the logical framework of the universe It wasn’t a glitch in time, it was a natural law that I had the frequency to tune into. This is where the logical pattern I had perceived since childhood finally locked into place. 

The Seventh Conformation:

 The room was quiet, filled only with the hum of the fluorescent lights. To anyone else the words were tragic but not for me. For decades that sentence had been a ghost in the machinery of life. I had watch 6 other premonitions manifest with mathematical precision. The universe wasn’t being cruel-it was being consistent.

The Logic:

 The universe operates on logic not common sense. This puts things into perspective about my life. There is a difference between manifesting something and perceiving it. To my mother, my childhood observation of a logical timeline that was already written.

To my mother, my childhood words felt like an imitation to me. They were an observation of a logical timeline that was already written in the highlights, a clash between two ways of seeing the world, one based on the fear that our thoughts create our reality and yours or mine, based on the realization that the universe operates on a sequences, you simply happen to see in advance.

The Conversation With My Mom:

 When I finally told my mother, the silence that followed was real heavy, it was just like the silence of grief. It was the silence of a 40-year-old memory resurfacing. I could see in her eyes, the belief that by speaking it as a child I had somehow summoned this reality. She thought I had manifested the cancer, but I knew better. You don’t manifest the sunrise. You simply know the sun is going to rise because you understand the mechanics of the horizon. My childhood words weren't a wish or a curse. They were a date point I hadn’t spent 40 years calling for this moment I had spent 40 years waiting for the logic of the universe to catch up to the vision that I had in the third grade. The seventh confirmation wasn’t a creation of my mind. It was an appointment that I had to keep with my own timeline.
 

Moving Forward With My Story:

  Since I survive cancer for two times prior, I can show how logical perspective helped me fight the fight versus the fact. Because I knew this was coming, It did not make it more clinical and focused during my first round of treatment
 

I went from a lifelong mental, knowing to the brutal physical reality of treatment is a powerful part of my story. There is a profound difference between a logic of a premonition and the law in basic experience of a neck, recession and chemotherapy.
 

Even when I knew the storm was coming, the actual impact of the wind and rain is a completely different challenge my willing to write and describe this moment where logic meets the bone. The seventh confirmation was no longer a date point in my mind it was a physical battle in my body.
 

The Collision Of My Mind And Body:

 The cloudy of my seventh confirmation didn’t make the surgery any less based.  When the premonition finally came about the reality of a neck recession and the growing exhaustion of chemotherapy was about to wreak havoc in my life.. The logic of the universe suddenly had a weight and it was heavy.
I spent 40 years knowing this date would come, but to no amount of mental preparation can truly brace you for the long slow silence of recovery. My body became a battlefield for a war. I have seen coming since the third grade. It wasn’t recovery that tested the very resilience I thought I had mastered.  The logical framework of my life was now being written in scars and the metallic taste of chemo.

The recovery logic: 

During these days of recovery, I found myself leaning back into the belief in the universal laws to make sense of the pain, and I did have to find new kind of strength.
This was a turning point for me.  Where a specific moment during my first recovery, perhaps looking out at the weather in Vancouver or listening to music where I felt the shift from being a patient back to being a survivor. How did this invasive first experience change how I viewed the two times prior?
 

The Transition: 

Where the battle becomes as much about the survival in the world, as it is about to survival in your body, it is incredibly difficult to understand. When you lose your ability to work, you lose a sense of routine and independence and add financial strain on top of a physical recovery creates a perfect storm of stress.
 

The Weight Of The World: 

The neck recession had taken my strength, and the chemotherapy had taken my energy away, but it was the silence of being out of work that hit the hardest for the first time the logical patterns I usually thought obscured by the immediate pressing weight of survival.

Being financially strapped or fighting for my life is a specific kind of exhaustion. If the stress that lives in the pit of my stomach separate from the nausea of treatment was a three times survivor in the making, but in those months, I was simply a person trying to find ground that wouldn’t give away. The shift wasn’t a sudden burst of light. It was a slow gritty process of realizing that even when I was  at my lowest point emotionally physically, and financially. The story isn’t over, the logic was still there, even if I had to squint through to see the struggle. .
 

Honoring The Struggle:

 The reality of my struggle, many people shy away from talking about the financial side of cancer even my own family.

My Resiliency:

 Looking back at that financially strapped version of myself compared to where I am today the one thing that I can say that I’m most proud of surviving is the loss of my financial freedom and my physical belongings.
In this chapter of my life, I can explore the idea that the third survival wasn’t a test of my strength, but a demonstration of my mastery. I had already ascended now I simply need to apply the universal logic I had decoded.
 

Third Diagnosis:

 By the time of my third diagnosis arrived, the shock of the First and the will of the second had been replaced by a quiet, steady radiation of awareness. My enlightenment had been a temporary state. It was a permanent expansion.

When the cells returned for the third time, they didn’t meet a patient they met a consciousness that had already outgrown the physical limitations of the disease I didn’t need to battle in the traditional sense. I simply held the frequency of my own enlightenment. The third survival was the final proof of the pattern that when the spirit rises above human awareness, the body must eventually follow. It was the ultimate alignment of the logical and the spiritual.